im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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