I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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