he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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