I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
