No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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