when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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