u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize