What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
