He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
