Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
