Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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