He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize