May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
