My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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