some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
