Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
