saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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