I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
