The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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