I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
