hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
