overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
