Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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