Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
