As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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