i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
