I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
