so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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