i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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