I need to stop coming to work sober
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
