I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
