you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
