god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
