I am puke
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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