now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
