Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
