I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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