i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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