i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize