I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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