You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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