Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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