We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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