Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
