So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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