literally had 100 drinks last night.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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