Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
