He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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