and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Two words: blizzard sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am mentally ready for anal.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
