We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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