I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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