so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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