I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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