How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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