I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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