i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
