This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
