You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
