I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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