So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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