My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Naked. naked and bneed help.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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