i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
