the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
